I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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