Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
