I want to walk on stilts...naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
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Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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