Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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