Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's always time for handjobs
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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