the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
