my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
