Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
