I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
