Yo dont text me then not text me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
