closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Panties = found
Randomize
