Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
