you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
