So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
