so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
