people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
