Fine. I'll sleep in my office
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
