i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
