Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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