Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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