I'm going to jail i love you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
