3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
