i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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