Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
