fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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