This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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