Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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