I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
