I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
