you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
