Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
