So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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