I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
