No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
