i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
