i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
