Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The adults are the big ones right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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