The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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