If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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