so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
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I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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