It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
