Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
