i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
