i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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