i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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