How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
