The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
