He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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