He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
