her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
