I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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