I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can I color on your dick again?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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