you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
