Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
