Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
