I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
