i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
