i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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