when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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