so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
