Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
