So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
