Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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